Okay, I've had it. For years, I've stood wimpily by as so-called "experts" and "opinion makers" like those on Garden Rant launch assault after vicious assault on one of our most sacred and treasured institutions -- the family lawn. I can stand by no longer.

photo: Brian Bender faithfully guards a national treasure -- the White House lawn.

People often confuse me with George Clooney, so I know exactly how winter jasmine feels. Just because it's a shrub with pretty yellow flowers, novice gardeners mistake it for forsythia. Read this absolutely compelling story and you'll never make that embarrassing mistake again.   

You know a good way to get even with somebody up north calling Southerners rednecks? Send them a daffodil picked from your yard on New Year's Eve and say, "It's already spring here." I swear you can hear the scream of anguish 800 miles away.

photo: 'Lady Clare' camellia

My teenage son, who gets straight-A's, got a B on his Biology exam. Why? He missed all the plant questions. I should outraged, but I'm not. I think it's because my wife gave me some very good bourbon for Christmas. I'm going to use it as a teaching tool.

Ladies, are you still steamed about the brand new laundry basket your husband the gardener gave you last Christmas? Here are 10 ways to get even.

You see one in every neighborhood -- a house and yard with so many Christmas lights that people on Mars complain about the glare. So when is a Christmas light display merely exuberant and when does it devolve into tacky?

Forcing paperwhite narcissus into bloom indoors is about the easiest and most fun thing to do around the holidays. I know this because it's the only gardening activity my wife, the plant hater, likes to do. 

No plant is more closely associated with the holidays than holly. But many people are sadly ignorant of the showiest winter hollies of all -- the deciduous hollies. Let the Grump enlighten you.

Is gardening in the South harder than in other regions of the country? That’s what some transplanted Northerners think, but the Grump disagrees.

I was perusing another blog the other day, Garden Rant (see the link below), when I ran into an article written by Allan Armitage, Professor of Horticulture at the University of Georgia and one of the foremost experts on growing perennials in the South. Allan’s a transplant himself and he made the case that growing perennials and other plants down here is harder than it is up North.

Well, the Grump just had to weigh in. This is the response I posted:

“Hey, I grew up in Maryland and have spent the last 26 years in Alabama. You don't need any map to tell you whether you live in the North or South. All you need to do is observe your neighbors. If they grow rhubarb, you're a Northerner. If they grow okra, you're a Southerner. If they offer you a slice of rhubarb-okra pie, do not accept.

If you keep only one holiday plant this year, make it Christmas cactus. Here's one of mine that I've had for five years. Its flowers are magenta, but you can also get kinds with red, orange, pink, coral, purple, or white flowers. This plant blooms every year, is easy to care for, will live forever provided I don't water it with bleach, and it's cheap.

I call it a Christmas cactus, but it always starts blooming around Thanksgiving and flowers for 2-3 weeks. Maybe that's because it's really a Thanksgiving cactus (Schlumbergera truncata), rather than the better-known Christmas cactus (S. x buckleyi). Other than the difference in blooming times, it's hard to tell the two apart. The telltale sign, supposedly, is that the former has two large teeth (leafy teeth, not shark's teeth) on the tip of the last joint on each branch, while the latter doesn't. Hybridization between the two has blurred the lines, so let's be practical. If it blooms at Thanksgiving, it's a Thanksgiving cactus. If it blooms at Christmas, it's a Christmas cactus. If it blooms for the Fourth of July, you live in Australia.

How to Grow                                                                                                                                    

These plants are easy, easy, easy. (Even you can grow them, Jeff.) Here's all you need to know.

Light -- From spring until fall, give them light shade all day. No direct sun, not even in morning. How do I know this? Because I left my plants on my deck this summer where they got morning sun and afternoon shade. Trouble is, even morning sun is too hot in summer. It scalds them and they drop branch segments. Now I leave them in the light shade all-day shade of my screened porch. They love it. Once you bring them inside for winter, put them in a bright window.

Soil -- Good drainage is an absolute must. I don't think you need to send off Kazakhstan for some arcane potting soil. Ordinary potting soil is OK as along as it does two things -- holds enough moisture to keep the leaves plump and also drains excess water away quickly.

Water -- Take it easy on the water. From spring to fall, let them go somewhat dry between waterings. Watering once or twice a week is plenty. Don't let plants sit in saucers filled with water. Plants with flower buds or flowers are a different matter, however. Keep the soil moist (never soggy) during blooming or the buds and flowers may fall off.

Fertilizer -- Take it easy on fertilizer too. These plants aren't heavy feeders. From spring to fall, feed maybe once a month with liquid 20-20-20. Don't feed at all in winter. Don't you wish you could treat your spouse's relatives the same way?

The Must-Know Secret to Blooming -- Like poinsettia and kalanchoe, Christmas and Thanksgiving cactus need short days and long nights to set flower buds. If you live where falls are mild, like I do, this is easy. Just leave you plants outside where there isn't an outside light. I leave mine on my screened porch. By the beginning of November (as long as you protect them from frost), they'll start forming flower buds. If your falls are too cold to leave them outside, bring them inside to a bright window where you don't turn on inside lights after dark. Cool temperatures (65 degrees and lower) will prolong the blooming.

Where to Buy -- Any local garden center, home center, greenhouse. Choose a color you like. You'd better like it, because you'll be seeing it during the holidays for the rest of your life.